I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
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critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
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The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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