Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
