I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
