Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
