I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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