I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
