your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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