my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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