And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Randomize
