im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
