I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
