I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
