i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
