when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
