Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize