They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You took a bar mat shot.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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