grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
