so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
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Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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