dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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