shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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