i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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