Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
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Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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