I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
