This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
