Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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