Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
