i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
