I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize