I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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