Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
