i love accidental penises.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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