walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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