the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
