A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
