The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
