I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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