My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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