New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
