he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.