When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
