remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
