I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
