she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
