i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She bit a glass in half.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
