I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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