I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
