My room smells like vodka and shame
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.