Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
