I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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