I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
