it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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