She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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