OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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