I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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