OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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