maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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