got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
