She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
