This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
