if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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